I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
