I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
