Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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