Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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