maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
