i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
