Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
