happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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