We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish I only lived at night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.