Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?