Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
