god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
