Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
