you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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