smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
