the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
