youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
