I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize