my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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