I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
