I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize