YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
