I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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