Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
