Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
