My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
