so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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