I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
