I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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