just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
