battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
