The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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