Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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