you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
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I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
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My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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