Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
