i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
