im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
