The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
