I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
