Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I cockslap morals
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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