Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
