If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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