I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
