i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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