I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
