did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
