she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
