I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
