Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
