I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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