Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
