Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you inspire me to be a worse person
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
