im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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