you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger