Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?