Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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