I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
